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This blog is a jumbled mess. its about the death of my dad and just me venting to get it all out. Just read it if you want to.

On Thursday, December 22, 2011, at 12:40 a.m., my dad died due to cancer. Last month, the doctors said he had only 4 - 6 months left to live. It started in his colon, and after surgery it spread. Chemo took care of it in his liver and kidneys, but after that it went to his spine. He underwent radiation treatment but that was taking too much of a toll on his body so he took himself off. If he had stayed on radiation, it would have only prolonged the time to possibly a few months.

At this point my family is pretty shaken up by it, we're trying to cope, yet we seem to be walking on egg shells. Tomorrow is his funeral. As of writing this, I will burying my dad in 11 hours.

My dad was never one to openly cry, and sometimes it seemed the only expression he could muster was anger or disappointment. I suppose it comes from his dad but I wouldn't know seeing as how I've never met either of my grandfathers. My dad's always been demanding, always tried to insist he was right all the time. He was hard-headed, he knew a lot but he didn't know it all.

He worked at a grocery store and the highlight of his day was seeing some of his customers. He would always talk about what customer did what, who said what, and would always bring conversations back to them. I regret telling him to stop talking about them. Sometimes he would dominate and conversation by going on and on about someone. I didn't think of it then, but from what his co-workers tell me he did the same about us to his customers. He would always speak so highly of us but at home he was a different person.
He had a dark side to him. We all do. But his was an unspoken family secret. I don't want to go into details but just know that it put a shadow over our lives for a very long time.

On Tuesday, December 12, my pastor convinced him to go into hospice. He knew he wasn't going to get out alive so he asked to talk to whoever he could. When he wanted to speak to me he FINALLY told me he loved me and he apologized for the way he had acted for so long. It was a 12 or 13 year old burden lifted off of my shoulders. I felt lighter for a few days until I learned that he had gone downhill. When I last saw him alive, he was skin and bones. He hadn't eaten anything because he couldn't swallow. He could barely see who was in front of him and I'm not sure he knew I was there. The last words I said to him were "I'll see you later, I love you."
I'm glad I got the chance to say that. I wouldn't be seeing him later but I just hope he understood that I do love him.

The night he passed, my family sat in the room at the hospice and just took it all in. He was really skin and bones then. He looked like a mummy. He had no muscles left. After seeing him like that, I'm not sure what killed him: the cancer, the medications making him unable to operate, or the lack of nutrients his body needed.

Soon my brother and I will have to step up and start helping my mom, not only supporting her emotionally but with paying bills. The three of us might need to get second jobs but I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying off old bills. I'm uncertain about the future, like I always am. But this time I can honestly say that I have no idea what to expect. I will try my damnedest to make it.

I don't want to be like my dad. I don't want to always be right. I don't want to lord over my home. I want a relationship with my wife, I want to lead my family with her by my side. I want to make decisions with her. I want to hold my wife and tell her I love her. I want to tell my kids I love them. I want to be the best dad ever. It takes effort and not just putting food on the table. Being there is what its about. I want to teach my kids what I can while constantly learning about them.
I am a lot like my dad but I can only hope that I don't turn out to be like him.

I don't know if I should continue writing this eulogy or not. I don't know whether to present it or not. On one hand I don't know what to say. Some people say write I feel. But I've never been good at expressing that. I guess its time I start.