Some Facts About Me

My biggest fears are of dying alone and of not accomplishing anything.

For all the years I've spent playing video games alone I HATE being by myself these days.

I'm afraid of death to the point that it gives me a panic attack if I think about it too much.

I hate touching rust, it reminds me of tetanus shots even though I've never had one.

I over-think situations and constantly focus on the negative when a bad outcome is most apparent. I let things get to me too easily.

I hate liars. I used to lie constantly in middle school about my life only to realize that my two friends weren't buying any of it.

I wanted to be an artist when I was a kid. I didn't bother practicing and stopped when I realized that I really had no talent for it.

When I was 3 years old I hit my head on the foot board of the bunk bed my brother and I shared. I can't remember anything around that time and since then I have had memory troubles.

I blame years of taking Ritalin/Methylphenidate (the generic kind) for messing with my mind. These drugs were prescribed for kids with ADD/ADHD and I honestly think that I was put on them because my brother was also.

Just like most other people, I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong.

I want to learn to speak Italian and Russian.

I want to name my son Colin Lawrence Otto. Colin after Colin McRae and Lawrence for my friend Larry. If I have a daughter I want to name her Madeline.

I used to be a skateboarding poser. I stopped after figuring out that the only two skaters I knew were douche bags and no one wanted to teach me how to ride a board.

I've never been drunk or high. I've never smoked a cigarette.

Pastas and barbecue are my favorite foods.

I used to be the kid that would sneak toys to school in my book bag.

In middle school I considered myself bisexual but I was never curious about trying anything. I would admire some guys for their looks but looking back I suppose it was more jealousy because I've never thought of myself as good looking.

I've never liked wearing hats, necklaces, or watches but I still wore/wear them.

I've never been a big fan of blonde, blue-eyed girls. Natural beauty has always caught my attention. The first thing I notice on a woman is her eyes.

I'm a Grammar Nazi and my biggest spelling pet peeve is when people use "of" instead of "have." (i.e. "I could of had a sandwich.")

I like traveling and so far my favorite place has been Oregon.

I became a geek by tinkering around with computers by myself. For that everyone seems to think I know everything about them.

I like classical music. Chopin is my favorite pianist and Andrea Bocelli is my favorite opera singer.

I don't mean to brag but I'm the best Tetris player I know.

I like women with short hair. Examples would be Audrey Hepburn and Emma Watson.

Thunderstorms used to terrify me to no end when I was a kid. I would be completely under my bed covers and would even unplug my TV and fish tank for fear of being struck by lightning.

I used to very anti-social and very shy. Fortunately I grew out of it but I'm a quiet person. I think I can attribute this to my brother wanting to be the center of attention growing up.

I love reading World War 2 history. And WW2-era movies or movies about WW2 are my favorite.

I used to want to be a writer. Just like all writers I figured my stuff wasn't any good so I never pursued it. These days my writing mainly consists of video game reviews and other blogs.

TRUSTCompany can be credited with my favorite song of all-time "Downfall."

I'm trustworthy to a fault. I try to see the good in most people, but these days its getting harder to tell.

My childhood hero was Sonic the Hedgehog.

For right now, these will have to hold you over. I will update more when I get the chance.

Untitled

This blog is a jumbled mess. its about the death of my dad and just me venting to get it all out. Just read it if you want to.

On Thursday, December 22, 2011, at 12:40 a.m., my dad died due to cancer. Last month, the doctors said he had only 4 - 6 months left to live. It started in his colon, and after surgery it spread. Chemo took care of it in his liver and kidneys, but after that it went to his spine. He underwent radiation treatment but that was taking too much of a toll on his body so he took himself off. If he had stayed on radiation, it would have only prolonged the time to possibly a few months.

At this point my family is pretty shaken up by it, we're trying to cope, yet we seem to be walking on egg shells. Tomorrow is his funeral. As of writing this, I will burying my dad in 11 hours.

My dad was never one to openly cry, and sometimes it seemed the only expression he could muster was anger or disappointment. I suppose it comes from his dad but I wouldn't know seeing as how I've never met either of my grandfathers. My dad's always been demanding, always tried to insist he was right all the time. He was hard-headed, he knew a lot but he didn't know it all.

He worked at a grocery store and the highlight of his day was seeing some of his customers. He would always talk about what customer did what, who said what, and would always bring conversations back to them. I regret telling him to stop talking about them. Sometimes he would dominate and conversation by going on and on about someone. I didn't think of it then, but from what his co-workers tell me he did the same about us to his customers. He would always speak so highly of us but at home he was a different person.
He had a dark side to him. We all do. But his was an unspoken family secret. I don't want to go into details but just know that it put a shadow over our lives for a very long time.

On Tuesday, December 12, my pastor convinced him to go into hospice. He knew he wasn't going to get out alive so he asked to talk to whoever he could. When he wanted to speak to me he FINALLY told me he loved me and he apologized for the way he had acted for so long. It was a 12 or 13 year old burden lifted off of my shoulders. I felt lighter for a few days until I learned that he had gone downhill. When I last saw him alive, he was skin and bones. He hadn't eaten anything because he couldn't swallow. He could barely see who was in front of him and I'm not sure he knew I was there. The last words I said to him were "I'll see you later, I love you."
I'm glad I got the chance to say that. I wouldn't be seeing him later but I just hope he understood that I do love him.

The night he passed, my family sat in the room at the hospice and just took it all in. He was really skin and bones then. He looked like a mummy. He had no muscles left. After seeing him like that, I'm not sure what killed him: the cancer, the medications making him unable to operate, or the lack of nutrients his body needed.

Soon my brother and I will have to step up and start helping my mom, not only supporting her emotionally but with paying bills. The three of us might need to get second jobs but I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying off old bills. I'm uncertain about the future, like I always am. But this time I can honestly say that I have no idea what to expect. I will try my damnedest to make it.

I don't want to be like my dad. I don't want to always be right. I don't want to lord over my home. I want a relationship with my wife, I want to lead my family with her by my side. I want to make decisions with her. I want to hold my wife and tell her I love her. I want to tell my kids I love them. I want to be the best dad ever. It takes effort and not just putting food on the table. Being there is what its about. I want to teach my kids what I can while constantly learning about them.
I am a lot like my dad but I can only hope that I don't turn out to be like him.

I don't know if I should continue writing this eulogy or not. I don't know whether to present it or not. On one hand I don't know what to say. Some people say write I feel. But I've never been good at expressing that. I guess its time I start.